Well, almost.
She was doing her makeup.
Driving an Escalade.
On her way to the airport.
Weaving about considerably.
I waited until she was trying to change lanes to swing around into her blind spot and force her into the left lane. Yeah, I'm a jerk, but it's probably not a good idea to be doing your makeup while late for a flight.
8/27/2005
8/22/2005
Much Ertching Today
Three times in one day I almost ran my li'l trucklet up into the bad end of another car. One was my fault, the other two were caused by someone changing lanes and then slamming on their brakes. Didn't help that one of them had no brake lights. Not nice.
And I almost caught a minivan up the pooter. I was sitting stopped at a light and saw a guy coming up all to fast. Thankfully he figured it out in time for us both to be thankful for anti-lock brakes.
And I almost caught a minivan up the pooter. I was sitting stopped at a light and saw a guy coming up all to fast. Thankfully he figured it out in time for us both to be thankful for anti-lock brakes.
Mucho Responso
Three car fender bender on Sunset near Stephanie. No visible damage. But all the same, Henderson felt the need to send:
3 patrol cars
2 ambulances
1 fire truck
And I'm not sure, but I think I saw a partridge in a pear tree.
3 patrol cars
2 ambulances
1 fire truck
And I'm not sure, but I think I saw a partridge in a pear tree.
8/20/2005
Out Of Place
Saw a morbidly overweight homeless guy today. Had a sign: "need money for food." He wasn't gettin' much action on that one.
8/17/2005
Sorry For Honking
Driving around in the right lane at 25 because you thought you'd be clever and zip around traffic just isn't gonna cut it. So, ya know, move it.
8/16/2005
Escaladiation
Okay, let's think for just a minute. You're driving a nice shiny new Escalade with spinny rims.
I'm driving a dented up base model Tacoma with a gaping hole in the dash where a stereo used to reside.
You feel the need to try to push your way into traffic at the last minute.
Seriously, sorry about the tires dude, but do you really think I'm the one that's going to end up bouncing off the curb?
The answer, because you didn't seem smart enough to figure it out on your own, is no.
I'm driving a dented up base model Tacoma with a gaping hole in the dash where a stereo used to reside.
You feel the need to try to push your way into traffic at the last minute.
Seriously, sorry about the tires dude, but do you really think I'm the one that's going to end up bouncing off the curb?
The answer, because you didn't seem smart enough to figure it out on your own, is no.
Heard on the News
"near the intersection of Tropicana and Flamingo."
Maybe I'm new here, so, um, can someone explain that to me?
Maybe I'm new here, so, um, can someone explain that to me?
Almost Russelled
Backup getting off the airport connector onto Russell. Someone must've gotten rearended. Typical.
Turns out it wasn't. In the intersection at the next light was a Dodge Intrepid missing a large portion of it's front end. Didn't look like anyone got hurt too badly, but it sure buggered up traffic.
Turns out it wasn't. In the intersection at the next light was a Dodge Intrepid missing a large portion of it's front end. Didn't look like anyone got hurt too badly, but it sure buggered up traffic.
8/13/2005
Pleas Stop Stealing My Stereo
This is the third time. I'm getting irritated. It's time to switch tactics in this little arms race.
Role Reversal
I saw a Toyota Corolla towing a Ford F350 Duallie.
...
I don't know how either, but I suspect a Toyota shop will be replacing a transmission this week.
...
I don't know how either, but I suspect a Toyota shop will be replacing a transmission this week.
8/10/2005
Pushin' The Law
Ya ever know people that had a bunch of big dogs and one little dog? And that little dog was always riding herd over the big dogs. I'm that little dog.
Yeah, my truck is small, but I don't care about the paint and I seem to be missing that little part of the human brain that governs self preservation.
This morning while trying to navigate from Russell to the airport connector I spotted a government Suburban. Eight antennas, spotlight, and exempt plates. He was looking a little slow, so I pushed him a lane over and took off. Then pushed him back in line when he tried to merge.
I should probably avoid annoying people who carry guns as part of their job, but, ya know, it amuses me.
Yeah, my truck is small, but I don't care about the paint and I seem to be missing that little part of the human brain that governs self preservation.
This morning while trying to navigate from Russell to the airport connector I spotted a government Suburban. Eight antennas, spotlight, and exempt plates. He was looking a little slow, so I pushed him a lane over and took off. Then pushed him back in line when he tried to merge.
I should probably avoid annoying people who carry guns as part of their job, but, ya know, it amuses me.
8/04/2005
Most Specific Hooker Request Yet
"i95 truck stop hookers"
I95 runs for quite a ways... Might want to be more specific as to which truckstop you're looking for.
I95 runs for quite a ways... Might want to be more specific as to which truckstop you're looking for.
Good way to have the last word in a conversation:
"I'm sorry, after about the age of 15 it stops being an action figure and turns into a doll. Furthermore, if you're 24 years old and still defending the sexuality of your Ultraman doll you probably have some repressed sexual issues you need to deal with."
8/02/2005
Bumper Sandwich
Almost ended up in a bumper sandwich today. The people ahead of me panic stopped for some reason, and I of course stopped as fast as I could without locking the brakes. The guy behind me (on a cell phone) swerved around and into the median. He almost launched into oncoming traffic, which would've been pretty brutal. Never put down his phone, though. That's some serious dedication to distraction.
BMW Drivers
While I was narrowly avoiding a collision with a BMW today (his fault - I was doing the speed limit and he decided to pull a U-turn directly in front of me) I kind of realized something about BMW drivers. Most of them, anyway.
It seems like most of them drive about, well under the capabilities of their vehicles. As if they didn't already pay too much, they then use very little of the car's abilities. But then, once they do decide to do something remotely exciting, they mess it up.
Like this guy today. I'm cruising down Tropicana doing about 47 (okay, yeah, I was two over the speed limit). The guy decides to pull a fast U-turn. But he mistimes it and ends up about two feet away from getting the front of my truck into the rear quarter panel of his car. Yeah, I could've slammed on brakes and not been so close but I figured the fault would be his. I can claim ABS won't leave skid marks.
It seems like most of them drive about, well under the capabilities of their vehicles. As if they didn't already pay too much, they then use very little of the car's abilities. But then, once they do decide to do something remotely exciting, they mess it up.
Like this guy today. I'm cruising down Tropicana doing about 47 (okay, yeah, I was two over the speed limit). The guy decides to pull a fast U-turn. But he mistimes it and ends up about two feet away from getting the front of my truck into the rear quarter panel of his car. Yeah, I could've slammed on brakes and not been so close but I figured the fault would be his. I can claim ABS won't leave skid marks.
8/01/2005
I Don't Like Gravity
After years of silent brooding anger at man's ability to defy gravity, the force that keeps us all down has begun getting revenge. Today it singled me out for abuse.
We were leaving Lucille's after a quite tasty lunch. I was climbing into the back seat of a coworker's Expedition when I simply fell out. Just fell. Out.
On the way down I shouted "oh fuck!" and grabbed the front seatbelt. Ended up on the pavement, holding onto the seatbelt and wondering what the heck just happened.
The driver looked down at me and asked if I needed help. "No, nothin' wounded but my pride." The guy getting into the passenger seat looked over and said "damn, I missed it." "Um, yeah, no instant replay on this, dude."
This is just one of those weird things. You're going about your life, just chillin', and suddenly BLAM something just goes nuts. Next thing you know you're on your ass in a parking lot, hanging onto a seatbelt, and trying to figure out what just happened.
We were leaving Lucille's after a quite tasty lunch. I was climbing into the back seat of a coworker's Expedition when I simply fell out. Just fell. Out.
On the way down I shouted "oh fuck!" and grabbed the front seatbelt. Ended up on the pavement, holding onto the seatbelt and wondering what the heck just happened.
The driver looked down at me and asked if I needed help. "No, nothin' wounded but my pride." The guy getting into the passenger seat looked over and said "damn, I missed it." "Um, yeah, no instant replay on this, dude."
This is just one of those weird things. You're going about your life, just chillin', and suddenly BLAM something just goes nuts. Next thing you know you're on your ass in a parking lot, hanging onto a seatbelt, and trying to figure out what just happened.
Asshole
Apparantly I'm a bit of an asshole. I base this on two events.
The first event involves all of the construction near my house. D.R. Horton, KB, and Storybook have traffic in the area pretty messed up. It didn't take me long to get fed up and start taking shortcuts through what is supposedly a construction zone (but used to be a road). This irritates the construction guys. What really drives them nuts is when I do it in a full dust kicking rally slide.
The second involves the fact that I have more stereo than truck. I normally don't crank it up except on the highway. I kind of doubt that anyone wants to hear the music I'm listening to. But today I had it turned up pretty loud. Pulled up to a stoplight and a lowered homie car pulled up next to me. On the other side of him was a lady in a truck.
(boom)(thump)(boom)(thump)
I doubt the homie guy even had his stereo on. But the lady looked over to find the source of the noise and of course zeroed in on him. Stereotypes and all. So she starts glaring at him. I looked over at her and she looked back at me. I shrugged and looked significantly at the homie guy as if to say "some people are so rude." She nodded in agreement.
The first event involves all of the construction near my house. D.R. Horton, KB, and Storybook have traffic in the area pretty messed up. It didn't take me long to get fed up and start taking shortcuts through what is supposedly a construction zone (but used to be a road). This irritates the construction guys. What really drives them nuts is when I do it in a full dust kicking rally slide.
The second involves the fact that I have more stereo than truck. I normally don't crank it up except on the highway. I kind of doubt that anyone wants to hear the music I'm listening to. But today I had it turned up pretty loud. Pulled up to a stoplight and a lowered homie car pulled up next to me. On the other side of him was a lady in a truck.
(boom)(thump)(boom)(thump)
I doubt the homie guy even had his stereo on. But the lady looked over to find the source of the noise and of course zeroed in on him. Stereotypes and all. So she starts glaring at him. I looked over at her and she looked back at me. I shrugged and looked significantly at the homie guy as if to say "some people are so rude." She nodded in agreement.
Typical Tropicana Eastbound Near 95
Yup, a rear end collision. The typical. Boogered up traffic pretty well. Didn't help that some oncoming lanes were blocked by a copy giving someone a ticket.
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