I just stabbed myself in the gums with a piece of bread. It started bleeding and the bread broke off in the wound. How stupid does a person have to wound themself with a piece of bread?
Well, now you know the answer.
6/30/2005
6/29/2005
Answers To Your Questions
(Answers to real searches that lead people here.)
Las Vegas Hookers: Check lasvegas.craigslist.org. Seriously, try it. I can't vouch for the reputability of the women posting ads there, but I can vouch for how funny it is to read through them.
Crack Ho: Downtown, and unfortunately, the Albertson's near my house. I'm not gonna tell you were that one is, you should be able to find it on your own.
Should I Go To Vegas Or Not: Yes, you should. Stay at the Imperial Palace - reasonable rates, the rooms are clean, and they have a cool car exhibit.
Get tickets to shows ahead of time. I 'd recommend Comedy Stop at the Trop and Improv at Harrah's - both reasonably priced and usually very funny.
Eat dinner at last once at Ellis Island - the $7.99 prime rib and microbrew is a good deal and surprisingly good (like better than I've had at the Outback).
Skipp Wynn, everything is overpriced and it looks like a circus.
If you want a really impressive time, get a table on the balcony at the Paris that overlooks the Bellagio water show - time it so you can watch the show while eating dinner.
Don't gamble unless you really feel the need to lose money quickly, or want the free drinks. If you're playing for the free drinks go downtown where the minimum bet is cheaper. Please tip the waitress and the dealer, they work pretty hard (seems easy, but it's a long shift, odd hours, and you never get to sit down - and the servers have to wear some pretty uncomfortable shoes).
Thank You Helper: I have no idea. You're on your own on that one, buddy.
Las Vegas Hookers: Check lasvegas.craigslist.org. Seriously, try it. I can't vouch for the reputability of the women posting ads there, but I can vouch for how funny it is to read through them.
Crack Ho: Downtown, and unfortunately, the Albertson's near my house. I'm not gonna tell you were that one is, you should be able to find it on your own.
Should I Go To Vegas Or Not: Yes, you should. Stay at the Imperial Palace - reasonable rates, the rooms are clean, and they have a cool car exhibit.
Get tickets to shows ahead of time. I 'd recommend Comedy Stop at the Trop and Improv at Harrah's - both reasonably priced and usually very funny.
Eat dinner at last once at Ellis Island - the $7.99 prime rib and microbrew is a good deal and surprisingly good (like better than I've had at the Outback).
Skipp Wynn, everything is overpriced and it looks like a circus.
If you want a really impressive time, get a table on the balcony at the Paris that overlooks the Bellagio water show - time it so you can watch the show while eating dinner.
Don't gamble unless you really feel the need to lose money quickly, or want the free drinks. If you're playing for the free drinks go downtown where the minimum bet is cheaper. Please tip the waitress and the dealer, they work pretty hard (seems easy, but it's a long shift, odd hours, and you never get to sit down - and the servers have to wear some pretty uncomfortable shoes).
Thank You Helper: I have no idea. You're on your own on that one, buddy.
Huh, You Got Jackassed
Some guy in a Hyundai decides to jump from the lane next to me to my lane. With no room to spare. While I'm stopping at a light. Nice, guy. I stomp on my brakes and slam to a stop behind the guy.
Funny thing, his lane merges onto the highway, too. So there was no reason whatsoever for the manwevver.
So we get onto the highway, and he's behind me. We get behind a slow truck. He whips out into the left lane and tries to pass me. Too bad, buddy, I already had my turn signal on.
Figuring at this point that he's either stupid or just a jerk, I decide I'm not too worried about offending him. So I move into the left lane. This forces him into the median. I didn't feel too bad about that.
Funny thing, his lane merges onto the highway, too. So there was no reason whatsoever for the manwevver.
So we get onto the highway, and he's behind me. We get behind a slow truck. He whips out into the left lane and tries to pass me. Too bad, buddy, I already had my turn signal on.
Figuring at this point that he's either stupid or just a jerk, I decide I'm not too worried about offending him. So I move into the left lane. This forces him into the median. I didn't feel too bad about that.
Chopper
I saw a chopper today. Not a Jesse James / OCC Art Thug Mobile, but a real old-school chopper. Indian Larry style chopper. At least someone remembers.
6/24/2005
It's 11:30 PM
And I just got a wrong number call from Japan. Idiocy does not know international boundaries.
6/23/2005
Lowes
Went to Lowe's today to pick up a new toilet seat cause vinyl does what vinyl does.
So I was walking around and I saw a guy in a wheelchair with a big ole 2x4 wheeling down the aisle. Holding it like a jousting pole. Looked at it and thought "yeah, not a guy I'm gonna mess with."
I found the toilet seats and pondered the options. In kind of a mood, I figured I'd buy a seat with some style. Considered the weird translucent blue art nouveau seat. Naah, too weird. Then I looked at the seat molded to look like a rock. Naah, unconvincing - it just looks like a plastic turd. Maybe the semi-clear plastic flake? That one looked kinda cool.
Then I saw it. The one I had to have. It's removable. I stood there, looked at it, considered the implications, and thought "Fuck yeah! I can put it in the dishwasher!"
So I was walking around and I saw a guy in a wheelchair with a big ole 2x4 wheeling down the aisle. Holding it like a jousting pole. Looked at it and thought "yeah, not a guy I'm gonna mess with."
I found the toilet seats and pondered the options. In kind of a mood, I figured I'd buy a seat with some style. Considered the weird translucent blue art nouveau seat. Naah, too weird. Then I looked at the seat molded to look like a rock. Naah, unconvincing - it just looks like a plastic turd. Maybe the semi-clear plastic flake? That one looked kinda cool.
Then I saw it. The one I had to have. It's removable. I stood there, looked at it, considered the implications, and thought "Fuck yeah! I can put it in the dishwasher!"
Multiple Woops
Saw a big ole lifted pickup and a few small cars on Tropicana eastbound near I95. The usual spot. Nothin' like a wake of carnage left by someone with more cylinders than penis.
Airport Woops
Someone missed the right turn from the airport onto the airport connector. Or rather, turned too much.
I passed by and saw a couple of police surrounding a Dodge Ram that had missed the corner and plowed perfectly straight into the retaining wall of the overpass ramp. Dead on. Like he was aiming for it. Rode that dirt embankment right on down into oblivion. Dunno about whether he wouldn't survived or not - looked like the cabin was okay.
This was 6:30 in the morning, so I can't imagine it was a drunk driver. Well, probably not, anyway.
I passed by and saw a couple of police surrounding a Dodge Ram that had missed the corner and plowed perfectly straight into the retaining wall of the overpass ramp. Dead on. Like he was aiming for it. Rode that dirt embankment right on down into oblivion. Dunno about whether he wouldn't survived or not - looked like the cabin was okay.
This was 6:30 in the morning, so I can't imagine it was a drunk driver. Well, probably not, anyway.
6/15/2005
Lane Blocking Idjit
This morning some guy decided to jump out into traffic. Sort of. He shot out from a parking lot and stopped perpendicular to traffic across three lanes on Tropicana. And then sat there. I honked and gestured.
Same thing happened on the way back home this afternoon. I kind of question why people leave themselves open for an accident like this. Getting t-boned on the driver's side is about the quickest way to die in an auto accident. Must be a desire to evict themselves from the gene pool.
Same thing happened on the way back home this afternoon. I kind of question why people leave themselves open for an accident like this. Getting t-boned on the driver's side is about the quickest way to die in an auto accident. Must be a desire to evict themselves from the gene pool.
Been There A While
While heading west on Trop just past I95 (had to go get the jackasses at Discount to change the speed at which my tires vibrate, since they aren't bright enough to actually make them drive smoothly) I spotted a Trailblazer stopped with a gardener's truck close to the back bumper. No visible damage, but there must have been an accident, as they seem to be exchanging information.
So later, on my way back (the vribtation is now at 50 instead of 60. Idiots) I noticed that the two vehicles were still stopped in the same place. This was about an hour later. They've been happily screwing up traffic for an hour now. No visible damage. My guess is they were waiting for a cop to show up to file a report. Idiots.
Dang this town has a lot of idiots.
So later, on my way back (the vribtation is now at 50 instead of 60. Idiots) I noticed that the two vehicles were still stopped in the same place. This was about an hour later. They've been happily screwing up traffic for an hour now. No visible damage. My guess is they were waiting for a cop to show up to file a report. Idiots.
Dang this town has a lot of idiots.
Another Russell
This time I actually got to watch the incident. It was classic. Man in car tries to turn right. Man in truck almost hits man in car who just barely stops pulling out in front of him. Man in other truck behind car forgets to use the pedal to the left of the gas. Nice crunching sound and a lot of broken plastic. Insurance settlement time.
6/09/2005
Dumboass
Dude, if your tailgate pops down and there's nothing in the back of your truck, you really don't need to slam to a stop and block traffic so you can get out and put it back up. And if you do that, please don't look mystified when people honk at you - you clearly deserve it.
It's Just Noise
Taking a left from a parking space at work, I dropped the clutch a little too much and lit up a tire. Our resident Grumpy Old Man shouted that he wasn't impressed. Good thing I wasn't either.
It's a small truck with an inline engine, open differential, and hard compound tires. I'm impressed when I don't break a tire loose.
It's a small truck with an inline engine, open differential, and hard compound tires. I'm impressed when I don't break a tire loose.
My Fault
Yeah, that one was my fault. I was a little too close behind a Saab taking the left from Russell onto whatever the backroad by the stadium is.
She braked. Hard. In the middle of the corner. Racing no no, but I should've had more distance. Thankfully, reflexes kicked in - I popped the truck down into 2nd gear, slammed the gas, and slide into the left lane beside the Saab. Ran 2nd gear up to 55 mph for a 2nd to 5th shift and all was well.
She braked. Hard. In the middle of the corner. Racing no no, but I should've had more distance. Thankfully, reflexes kicked in - I popped the truck down into 2nd gear, slammed the gas, and slide into the left lane beside the Saab. Ran 2nd gear up to 55 mph for a 2nd to 5th shift and all was well.
"Rrrraaaarrrrkkk I shouldn't exist."
Another on the list of things that shouldn't exist: an El Camino with a utility bed. No frame, but at least it took a lot of welding.
6/07/2005
Falcon
I've got a set of Falken tires on my truck, rated at almost 400 treadwear. Perfect for Las Vegas summer. Thing about hard compound tires, though - very bad in the rain.
Turning from Warm Springs onto the south part of Amigo, I noticed a bunch of water covering the roadway. So of course I popped the gas to spin the tires and coat them with water. This was in the middle of the corner.
Once onto pavement I popped the gas again to break the rear end free. That of course gave the back end some momentum. More so than the front end. Cool. Jacked the wheel around to the left quickly and left go of the gas. That, of course, is only one way of pulling out of the slide. And not necessarily the best.
Thankfully I knew what I was doing and had the front wheels pointed the right direction. Just swung out of the slide and kept going.
I doubt the guy behind me was impressed, but it entertained me.
Turning from Warm Springs onto the south part of Amigo, I noticed a bunch of water covering the roadway. So of course I popped the gas to spin the tires and coat them with water. This was in the middle of the corner.
Once onto pavement I popped the gas again to break the rear end free. That of course gave the back end some momentum. More so than the front end. Cool. Jacked the wheel around to the left quickly and left go of the gas. That, of course, is only one way of pulling out of the slide. And not necessarily the best.
Thankfully I knew what I was doing and had the front wheels pointed the right direction. Just swung out of the slide and kept going.
I doubt the guy behind me was impressed, but it entertained me.
Blues Brother?
Push bumpers, a spotlight, and some dents. Yeah, I know exactly what's in your car - I used to drive one. I'm still not impressed enough to let you into my lane at the last minute.
6/05/2005
Not Again
I was listening to a couple of coworkers talking about a story they saw on the news the night before. Apparantly a Mercedes had crashed through the wall of some subdivision and literally exploded, raining Mercedes brand shrapnel into the nearby house.
So I asked where it was.
Jimmy Durante. Uh oh....
Near Tropicana. Oh bugger.
It does explain why I saw a big hole in the wall of my subdivision that morning. That makes twice in less than a year that someone has died driving through a cinder block wall right there. I don't understand why. It's not a sharp corner.
On the other hand, anyone want to buy a house near me? I suspect there'll be one up for sale real soon now.
So I asked where it was.
Jimmy Durante. Uh oh....
Near Tropicana. Oh bugger.
It does explain why I saw a big hole in the wall of my subdivision that morning. That makes twice in less than a year that someone has died driving through a cinder block wall right there. I don't understand why. It's not a sharp corner.
On the other hand, anyone want to buy a house near me? I suspect there'll be one up for sale real soon now.
Windy-Ass Day Today
A slightly schadenfraudal moment today...
On Stephanie just before Marks. Two rejects from Wayne's World were skateboarding down the sidewalk. Some serious wind came up and actually blew them off their boards into the rocks. I admit it, I'm a jerk - I nearly wrecked laughing so hard.
On Stephanie just before Marks. Two rejects from Wayne's World were skateboarding down the sidewalk. Some serious wind came up and actually blew them off their boards into the rocks. I admit it, I'm a jerk - I nearly wrecked laughing so hard.
Boink
I was trying to turn right on Russell. Almost jumped into traffic, but made the calculation and decided not to. The guy behind me decided I should go.
(boink)
It was a small car and a light tap, so I turned right and kept going. He pulled out into traffic and didn't seem inclined to follow me (I was driving slow so he could if he felt like it). Noticed a scrap on his front end right about where my tow hitch would be. Didn't hurt me none, didn't scratch up my truck any more than it already was - I didn't see a real reason to care.
(boink)
It was a small car and a light tap, so I turned right and kept going. He pulled out into traffic and didn't seem inclined to follow me (I was driving slow so he could if he felt like it). Noticed a scrap on his front end right about where my tow hitch would be. Didn't hurt me none, didn't scratch up my truck any more than it already was - I didn't see a real reason to care.
Reflexes
In a 50 mph zone someone pulled out in front of me while in the left lane another car was passing me. I timed it so that I'd slide over just behind the car in the left lane just before ramming the doofus ahead of me.
Just as I was between lanes, the guy in the left slammed on his brakes. That was less than fun. No where to go - barrier on the left, car ahead of me, car in the right lane, and someone coming up way too fast behind me.
Thankfully I managed keep myself just a couple feet off the bumper of the guy ahead of me. I wouldn't so much mind an accident, I just don't want to have one in the middle of nowhere - and I definitely don't want there to be any potential for the fault to legally be mine.
Just as I was between lanes, the guy in the left slammed on his brakes. That was less than fun. No where to go - barrier on the left, car ahead of me, car in the right lane, and someone coming up way too fast behind me.
Thankfully I managed keep myself just a couple feet off the bumper of the guy ahead of me. I wouldn't so much mind an accident, I just don't want to have one in the middle of nowhere - and I definitely don't want there to be any potential for the fault to legally be mine.
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